Dear Messy Miracle,
How do you know when “busy” becomes “too busy?” Where in the world is that magical line?
I’ve been pondering that question a lot recently, because there is SO MUCH going on. When I cross the line between comfortably stretched and completely overwhelmed, the result is never pretty. Even though I know this, my tendency is to want to do ALL THE THINGS. Because they are all good things that help good people.
I’ve recently discovered something that truly helps me with this dilemma.
Have you seen the movie/musical The Greatest Showman? If you haven’t, you must! There is great music and several awesome messages about life hidden within the story and the songs. The soundtrack is now an anthem for my girls and me.
One of the songs at the end is titled, Come Alive and it repeats the phrase…I’M DREAMING WITH MY EYES WIDE OPEN.
The first time I heard those words in the the song, I wanted to sling my arms up in a perfect cheerleader pose and shout “YES!” That’s it! That’s the perfect phrase! I want to dream with my eyes WIDE OPEN.
You see, after my burnout & breakdown, I was afraid to dream at all. I was scared that I’d revert back to my perfectionist, too-much-activity ways. I was afraid I’d sink back into the darkness and the anxiety and the unrelenting overwhelm if I took on new projects, new commitments, and new dreams. And going back to the darkness was my greatest fear.
But God has been showing me that I’ve learned so much! I’m NOT the same Laura that achieved her way into an anxiety disorder. I’m different. Praise God! Because I’ve learned I’m not the One in the control. It is ok to dream and commit and do things I love because THIS TIME, I’m dreaming with my eyes wide open. I know I have a limit. I have a plan, and most importantly I am learning to live in God’s strength, not mine.
I hope this encourages you today as you face a new week ahead. There may, indeed, be some things on your schedule that need to go. There are some commitments on mine that I’m going to graciously surrender this week. And what’s left, I will give to God and ask Him how I should spend my days. With that attitude and by simply doing the next right thing, there is always more than enough time.
Thanks for reading & Be Still,
P.S. Here are a few things I shared over the past week. I pray they bless you!
People expect everything you touch to turn to gold.
You’re an achiever who’s always prepared. The go-to girl. The person everyone wants on their team. You’re so good at hiding your anxiety that you may not even know it exists.
You appear to have it all together on the OUTSIDE.
But you are one mistake or unkind word away from falling apart on the INSIDE.
I know this woman well. She was me.
For more than 3 decades, I thought I was slaying life. I was a model student. The first born of four girls. After college, I was a corporate jet setter traveling the world. I married an amazing man and eventually left the corporate job to stay home with my beautiful girls. Then at age 37, I had an emotional and physical breakdown and discovered that while my external life was thriving, my internal life was slowly being eaten away by anxiety.
Looking back, all the signs were there from the time I was 7 years old.
I completely missed it. My family missed it. I was so capable. So smart. So headstrong. Sure, I was a perfectionist, but that earned me straight As and accolades. Sure, I worried all the time, but that meant I was prepared for any outcome. I was a problem solver. A dependable fixer. I stuffed my feelings, which meant I was pleasant and nice to be around. I was diplomatic, never making waves or causing pain.
My anxiety masqueraded in qualities that the world rewarded.
But make no mistake. I was suffering quietly even as I relished in the praise. All those years, the struggles remained hidden and dismissed where they grew and grew and grew, until my human mind and body could no longer contain them.
Please hear this. Anxiety is treatable. It is manageable. And there is great hope for those of us who struggle.
But FIRST we have to recognize anxiety for what it is.
7 Signs of Anxiety You Might Be Missing
It’s great to do your best, but NOBODY is perfect. Fretting over anything less than ideal, cringing about the smallest mistake or imperfection, thinking about what could have been over and over and over again are just a few ways perfectionism revealed itself in my life. These tendencies often mask an intense fear of failure, a hallmark sign of anxiety.
#2 DISLIKE OF ASKING FOR HELP
When life gets overwhelming, it makes sense to ask for help. But people who have anxiety can view it as weakness or failure. I took extreme measures like regularly sacrificing sleep, self care, and joy in order to get things done. I refused to ask for help. For someone with anxiety, asking for help feels a bit like crushing the soul.
#3 HIGH ACHIEVER
For some people, it’s difficult to be still. For most of my life, as soon as I completed one project or achieved one goal, I was immediately on to the next. This makes for an impressive resume and stellar accomplishments, but it’s exhausting and unsustainable. Individuals with anxiety often have a difficult time relaxing, so they fill their time with one achievement after another. It feels easier to chase self-worth through accomplishments rather than digging deep to see where the need to achieve is originating.
#4 REHASHING CONVERSATIONS
Overanalyzing conversations and outcomes can be a sign of anxiety. For some people, this presents as being off-the-chart diplomatic or a people-pleaser. An off-hand, flippant comment may mean absolutely nothing to one person, but someone with anxiety may obsess about that same comment for days.
It’s healthy to have boundaries for your time and schedule, but people with hidden anxiety have difficulty saying, “No.” They don’t want to risk disappointing someone or lose out on an opportunity. As a result, they are often frazzled and stressed by their busy schedules without recognizing that they have the power to make better choices about their commitments.
#6 IRRITABILITY (PARTICULARLY AT HOME) WITH UNEXPECTED OUTBURSTS
People with high-functioning anxiety tend to be on their best behavior around others. They do not want to cause waves or upset the status quo, but those pent up emotions eventually burst. Often family is the misdirected target of such feelings. (Ask my parents about the time I threw roller skates into a wall or my girls about how I used to go ballistic when they left tiny footprints on still-wet hardwood floors). Anxious people may blow up at their loved ones over something small, because they have suppressed frustrations with others.
#7 EXTREME PREPAREDNESS
Planning is good and valuable, but planning for worst-case scenarios over and over again is not healthy. There things we cannot control, which is difficult (but not impossible) for a person with anxiety to accept. Individuals who struggle with anxiety desperately want to control their life. Part of that control is doing everything possible to keep their true feelings a secret. They becom adept at hiding their anxiety and are often the ones you LEAST expect to struggle.
But here’s some good news … Whether you are seven or thirty seven, all of these habits can be addressed.
You can live free from anxiety. But contrary to what you might believe, it won’t happen by trying harder or doing more.
As I continue to share my story of burnout, breakdown and transformation, many find it difficult to believe that a “wonder woman” (their words, not mine) was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at age 37. Sadly, I’ve learned that is more common than you’d think. If you (or someone you love) has a life that appears worthy of superpowers, try viewing their success and accomplishments in a new light. TRUE superpower is the bravery it takes to recognize underlying anxiety and reach out for help. Hopefully it doesn’t take a breakdown like mine to force you to do it.
You CAN have a successful life. You CAN accomplish great things. You CAN take pride in your efforts. And you CAN learn to do it without the enormous internal pressure constantly threatening to take you down.
I’m living proof that it is possible. That anxiety does not get the final word. Freedom is awaits. Claim it, my friend.
Did this resonate with you?
Perhaps today is the day you take a step toward freedom, Messy Miracle.
Here are a few steps to guide your way.
About The Author
Laura Fleetwood is a Freedom Guide for women and girls who look like they have it all together on the outside, but are falling apart on the inside. She is the creator of SeekingTheStill.com where you can read about her own journey through clinical anxiety, find inspirational stories, helpful videos and practical wisdom about trading anxiety, burnout & breakdown for freedom. There is hope and you are NOT alone.
“I asked God for $800…”
After those words left my mouth at dinner, I smirked and shrugged at my husband and two daughters.
“It’s so strange,” I continued. “This conference in New York called VoxCon keeps popping up in my path. I feel like I’m supposed to go, but we don’t have the money.
“So…I asked God to give me $800 if He wants me to go.”
The fact that I asked God for the money was a mini miracle in itself.
I have a spending dragon. Clothes. Home decor. Make-up. Trips. My nature is to buy now, regret later.
But I’ve been working on it. REALLY working on it. Mostly because my spending dragon was driving a wedge between me and Justin. He stresses about money. A lot. And we (mostly me) had built up a hefty balance on our credit card.
So at the advice of dear friend, I completely turned my spending over to Justin a few months ago. He took my credit card. He gave me cash to spend each week. And it was hard. I had to say no, turn the other way, and keep my spending dragon at bay.
But it worked. We paid off our credit card in December. For real.
So…the fact that this VoxCon conference kept appearing in front of me truly intrigued me and bothered me. I was obeying God in this aspect of my marriage, so why did He keep putting this conference in my path that I couldn’t afford?
The thing is…
I have learned that there is so much more to life than what we see.
And the intuition God gifted me was sizzling. It was just two weeks before the conference date, but I prayed something a little like this…
Dear Jesus – There’s this amazing conference in NYC that has captivated me. I don’t know why. And I definitely don’t know HOW it would even work for me to go. It will cost $800, and I can’t spend the money unless we have it. If you really want me to go, will you please give me $800?
Truthfully, I felt guilty even asking.
A trip to NYC was a luxury, not a need. And so many people have such bigger problems. My shame dragon kept trying to suck me down. But each time, a new email appeared in my inbox or a Facebook ad popped up, I prayed the same prayer.
Please give me $800 if I’m supposed to go.
Just a few days after I shared my prayer with Justin and the girls, I had a massive panic attack. The kind that leaves me in bed and quaking with uncertainty about the future. On the first day I made it back to work, I received this text from Justin.
Allow me to explain.
Due to hail damage, we needed to replace our roof. For a variety of reasons, it was a 5 month long saga. The one thing we knew for sure was that we’d have to pay AT LEAST our $1500 deductible and likely more. So we had that money socked away.
Do you see what I’m showing you here?!?
We were told we HAD to pay $1500. But when we got the bill it was only $700. A difference of $800.
Mind blown…but wait. Remember that I was now in the throes of an anxiety rebound. What recently sounded like a fun adventure, now seemed like a death trap and the worst idea in the world. Thanks, anxiety.
So what’s a girl to do?
Let’s take stock, shall we?
- The Spirit had been stirring me up about this conference.
- I didn’t have the money.
- I asked God for $800 if He wanted me to go.
- He gave me exactly $800.
- I had a panic attack out of nowhere.
- Now I didn’t want to go.
- But God clearly showed me He wants me to go.
In all situations, we have a choice Messy Miracle.
We can listen to the Voice of Faith or we can listen to the voice of fear. If my journey has shown me anything, it’s that the voice of fear is a liar and the Voice of Faith is freedom. Every. Single. Time.
So…I told my team. I sought wise advice. I asked my Dad if he wanted to take a trip to NYC with me, and I booked our flights.
As I type these words, I’m sitting at the St. Louis airport waiting for our delayed flight to Manhattan. I still don’t know why this conference is calling me, but I am obeying that call.
I could feel guilty that my prayer was answered when so many aren’t.
But that’s the voice of fear. That voice WANTS ME to minimize this blessing. That voice IS DESPERATE for me to keep my answered prayer silent. That voice DOESN’T WANT us to share any hope or help or healing.
So to combat that vicious voice of fear, I choose to CELEBRATE the God who loves us so much that He answers us so specifically, right down to dollar amount.
There’s so much WE DON’T KNOW. And will never know this side of heaven. That’s the whole point. To ask. And go. And praise. And simply do the next right thing, trusting the outcome to God.
If you are in a place of doubt or fear or questioning right now, may I suggest one thing? Ask yourself…
What would happen if I stop TRYING to make this thing happen and PRAY for The Hero to show me IF and HOW.
I promise you this. No matter the outcome, the pressure you feel will be lifted.
And that thing will be in the only place it belongs…the Hands of God.
P.S. If you’d like to see how this trip unfolds, follow #SeekingTheStilNYC on Facebook and Instagram. I’ll be sharing my fears and my fun and the ever-unfolding path of seeking the still amid the chaos of life.