“I asked God for $800…”
After those words left my mouth at dinner, I smirked and shrugged at my husband and two daughters.
“It’s so strange,” I continued. “This conference in New York called VoxCon keeps popping up in my path. I feel like I’m supposed to go, but we don’t have the money.
“So…I asked God to give me $800 if He wants me to go.”
The fact that I asked God for the money was a mini miracle in itself.
I have a spending dragon. Clothes. Home decor. Make-up. Trips. My nature is to buy now, regret later.
But I’ve been working on it. REALLY working on it. Mostly because my spending dragon was driving a wedge between me and Justin. He stresses about money. A lot. And we (mostly me) had built up a hefty balance on our credit card.
So at the advice of dear friend, I completely turned my spending over to Justin a few months ago. He took my credit card. He gave me cash to spend each week. And it was hard. I had to say no, turn the other way, and keep my spending dragon at bay.
But it worked. We paid off our credit card in December. For real.
So…the fact that this VoxCon conference kept appearing in front of me truly intrigued me and bothered me. I was obeying God in this aspect of my marriage, so why did He keep putting this conference in my path that I couldn’t afford?
The thing is…
I have learned that there is so much more to life than what we see.
And the intuition God gifted me was sizzling. It was just two weeks before the conference date, but I prayed something a little like this…
Dear Jesus – There’s this amazing conference in NYC that has captivated me. I don’t know why. And I definitely don’t know HOW it would even work for me to go. It will cost $800, and I can’t spend the money unless we have it. If you really want me to go, will you please give me $800?
Truthfully, I felt guilty even asking.
A trip to NYC was a luxury, not a need. And so many people have such bigger problems. My shame dragon kept trying to suck me down. But each time, a new email appeared in my inbox or a Facebook ad popped up, I prayed the same prayer.
Please give me $800 if I’m supposed to go.
Just a few days after I shared my prayer with Justin and the girls, I had a massive panic attack. The kind that leaves me in bed and quaking with uncertainty about the future. On the first day I made it back to work, I received this text from Justin.
Allow me to explain.
Due to hail damage, we needed to replace our roof. For a variety of reasons, it was a 5 month long saga. The one thing we knew for sure was that we’d have to pay AT LEAST our $1500 deductible and likely more. So we had that money socked away.
Do you see what I’m showing you here?!?
We were told we HAD to pay $1500. But when we got the bill it was only $700. A difference of $800.
Mind blown…but wait. Remember that I was now in the throes of an anxiety rebound. What recently sounded like a fun adventure, now seemed like a death trap and the worst idea in the world. Thanks, anxiety.
So what’s a girl to do?
Let’s take stock, shall we?
- The Spirit had been stirring me up about this conference.
- I didn’t have the money.
- I asked God for $800 if He wanted me to go.
- He gave me exactly $800.
- I had a panic attack out of nowhere.
- Now I didn’t want to go.
- But God clearly showed me He wants me to go.
In all situations, we have a choice Messy Miracle.
We can listen to the Voice of Faith or we can listen to the voice of fear. If my journey has shown me anything, it’s that the voice of fear is a liar and the Voice of Faith is freedom. Every. Single. Time.
So…I told my team. I sought wise advice. I asked my Dad if he wanted to take a trip to NYC with me, and I booked our flights.
As I type these words, I’m sitting at the St. Louis airport waiting for our delayed flight to Manhattan. I still don’t know why this conference is calling me, but I am obeying that call.
I could feel guilty that my prayer was answered when so many aren’t.
But that’s the voice of fear. That voice WANTS ME to minimize this blessing. That voice IS DESPERATE for me to keep my answered prayer silent. That voice DOESN’T WANT us to share any hope or help or healing.
So to combat that vicious voice of fear, I choose to CELEBRATE the God who loves us so much that He answers us so specifically, right down to dollar amount.
There’s so much WE DON’T KNOW. And will never know this side of heaven. That’s the whole point. To ask. And go. And praise. And simply do the next right thing, trusting the outcome to God.
If you are in a place of doubt or fear or questioning right now, may I suggest one thing? Ask yourself…
What would happen if I stop TRYING to make this thing happen and PRAY for The Hero to show me IF and HOW.
I promise you this. No matter the outcome, the pressure you feel will be lifted.
And that thing will be in the only place it belongs…the Hands of God.
P.S. If you’d like to see how this trip unfolds, follow #SeekingTheStilNYC on Facebook and Instagram. I’ll be sharing my fears and my fun and the ever-unfolding path of seeking the still amid the chaos of life.