by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 27, 2014 | Anxiety, Uncategorized
I hear small feet skipping in and see a pair of brightly colored sneakers enter the bathroom stall next to me. Unexpected words are spoken into the stillness of a school bathroom. The little voice asks, Does anybody know me?
I startle at the question and reply gently through the cold, metal door with a smile, No, I’m sorry I don’t think I know you.
Oh, ok, the little girl answers brightly. I’m in kindergarten. And just like that, she’s on her way.
There it is. The question we’re all asking deep inside. DOES ANYBODY KNOW ME?
For thirty seven years I hid “the real me” behind a mask of achievement, perfection, and control. I only let you see the me I wanted you to see. I didn’t acknowledge that there was a “real me” on the inside. Her memories were too messy, her emotions too raw. She was wounded and imperfect and scared. It was easier to pretend that girl didn’t exist.
The thing is, the pretending only works for so long. Eventually the truth finds it’s way to the light no matter how hard you stomp it down. It’s painful, unexpected, raw, and it held me hostage for six long months. A dark night of the soul. Fear. Anxiety. Insomnia. Depression. A life clawing to stay still and familiar even as the river of life swirled with currents that would not be calmed.
I recently read that the greek root of the word crisis means to sift. And that is where the river has led me. To a place where I’m sifting the memories, shaking the sand from my eyes and seeing this life anew. Though the sifting is hard, it is good.
God only allows pain if He’s allowing something new to be born.
-Ann Voskmamp
I’m in the cocoon now, waiting for the miracle. I know it’s coming, but it will not be a result of anything I’ve done or will do. And that’s the hard part to accept. Does anybody know me? Yes, HE does. The One who was there in the beginning and whispered me into being. HE knows me and says the truth will set me free. Perhaps one day I’ll even know the real me that He intended me to be. Please, let it be so…
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 5, 2013 | Anxiety, Uncategorized
Written across the ages, it forms. Each life, a thread, expertly written across the page. I long to know The Story and my part in it.
Most days, I attempt to write my own plot and protest in frustration when the chapter doesn’t go the way I planned. Crumpled bits of paper lay strewn behind me, the weight of the deadline looms ahead.
And then I flip back the pages and see that it’s not my words at all. It was the Author every step along the way. He never asked for an assistant. He simply asks me to savor the story as it unfolds. Today and every day, no matter where the story turns, let me trust the pen in the Author’s hand.
In this 31 day series, I’ll flit and flutter around the topic
of seeking the still within the boundaries of God’s grace. I’m open to the
whispers of the wind, so fly with me if you wish!
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 4, 2013 | Uncategorized
It takes a long time to really know someone, and even then it’s not easy. If fact, it’s rare to truly know another person. You have to understand their history, observe how they interact with others, look at the work they do, and gain insight into their nature. You have to study them. Celebrate with them. Mourn with them. You have to talk. You have to listen.
That kind of knowing takes a lifetime…and even then is limited by the lens through which we view our own life and experiences. It’s complicated, to say the least.
It’s the same thing when it comes to knowing God.
I grew up knowing stories about God. I went to Sunday School and church, read the children’s books, watched the shows. I could recite the creeds and say the prayers. Who is God? The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. What does He do? He saves us from our sin. Yep, I thought I knew it all…but I didn’t.
How is it possible to wrap our minds around the Creator of the Universe? The One who breathed us into being and spoke the world into motion. The One who longs for relationship with his people, who chose a nation so that He could reveal who He is and what He does. The God who loves us in spite of our brokenness. Who loves us in spite of our rejection. Who loves us so much that He would send a holy Savior, a Way for us to live in His presence for free and for forever.
Knowing Him begins with the still, quiet voice that says there is more than meets the eye in this world. Pay attention. Look deeper. Stop trying to understand Me and just try to know Me. Gaze upon the beauty of My creation and know I exist. Read how I set apart the people of Israel, so I could reveal myself to the world. Look how I kept my promise to send a Savior, to redeem those who put their faith in Me. Watch how I work today, through the lives of those I call my own.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Matthew 7:7 Deuteronomy 4:29 Jeremiah 33:3
We must seek, my friends. In the midst of our hardest days, we can’t stop seeking to know Him, the Gift Giver. For in doing so, we are promised that we will finally receive the gift, the still.
In this 31 day series, I’ll flit and flutter around the topic of
seeking the still within the boundaries of God’s grace. I’m open to the
whispers of the wind, so fly with me if you wish.
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 3, 2013 | Uncategorized
It was a painted piece of clay attached to a necklace with yellow yarn. A homemade charm lovingly designed by my eldest daughter to replace the “real” one she lost. Happy birthday, Mom! I looked all over the house, but I couldn’t find your missing charm. I made you a new one for your birthday. Will you wear it today?
The giver of the gift matters. Given by anyone else, I would have likely smiled, offered my thanks, and moved on. But this gift was fashioned by my flesh and blood. My daughter, who I dearly love, poured her heart into this gift. Created it with her own hands. Wear it? This gift of love? I most certainly did.
We appreciate gifts in proportion to our relationship with the giver. The more we know the giver, the closer our relationship, the more the gift matters.
How close are you to the giver of The Still? Do you know Him? Know about Him? Don’t know Him at all? Perhaps you wonder about this peace that so many speak of. You reach and yearn for rest for your soul, but it forever seems just outside your grasp.
As I Gracefully Seek the Still these next few weeks, I want to be honest and look with eyes wide open. I seek to open my heart to know the Gift-Giver better. Not with knowledge and facts, but heart to heart, soul to soul. He’s been designing lovely Gifts for me since the beginning of time. Yes, He created them with His own hands. I don’t want to smile and move on. I want to wear His gifts of love…
In this 31 day series, I’ll flit and flutter around the topic of
seeking the still within the boundaries of God’s grace. I’m open to the
whispers of the wind, so fly with me if you wish.
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 2, 2013 | Uncategorized
I giggled as my eyes scanned the new comment on my Facebook page, “You are such a calm & peaceful person… So inspiring!!” If only they knew…
How often we brave the world, full of smiles and glow, a façade covering the reality of what lies within.
This quest of mine to seek the still was not born out of calm or peace, wisdom or insight. It was born out of a desperate need to have what I could not grasp. In a lifetime of seeking, striving, and proving, I have won the awards, earned the perfect scores, and worn the lovely masks. I’ve also turned to drink for escape, slipped into the darkness of depression, and lain awake in the cycle of anxiety. Seeking the still, I am.
I recently read a quote by Angela Thomas in her book Stronger that sums it up, I’m just a human being whose life keeps proving how much I need a Savior.
At the beginning of this 31 day journey, let’s be perfectly honest about who we are, and what we’re seeking. I have nothing to offer from my own reason or strength. The meaning of grace is an undeserved gift. Not earned. At all. When I chose Gracefully for the title of this series, I was not referring to any beauty that lies within you or me. Gracefully is reminder that our greatest need for still, that place where we can finally be free, is completely unattainable on our own. It is underserved. It is a gift. But it is there for you and for me.
In this
31 day series, we’ll flit and flutter around the topic of
seeking the still within the boundaries of God’s grace. I’m open to the
whispers of the wind, so fly with me if you wish!
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 1, 2013 | Uncategorized
Schedules. Deadlines. Weary and overwhelmed. If the snapshot of your life reflects the frazzled and the frustrated, then we are kindred spirits, indeed. I know all too well that Seeking the Still can easily sound like another thing to add to an already overflowing to-do list. But what if Seeking the Still isn’t about doing more… What if we offered a bit of grace to ourselves and explored how God uses the knock-down, drag-out days to show us that The Still is right there waiting...
For
the 31 days of October, I’m pondering the idea of GRACEFULLY Seeking
the Still. Not with the grace of the dancer, but with the Grace of the
God who offers it to us. Not by doing more, but by peering through a new lens. Let’s take a stroll down the path of grace and see where the journey leads.
This is the first post
in a 31 day series. We’ll flit and flutter around the topic of seeking the
still within the boundaries of God’s grace. I’m open to
the whispers of the wind, so fly with me if you wish!
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 2, 2013 | Anxiety, Uncategorized
I know You’re there, God. It’s me, Laura. I guess you know that I’ve been struggling for quite some time about what to do here in this space. Seeking The Still has been my quest for several years now.
Ever since You whispered the idea to me on a springtime day, and I ran inside to spill out the design and story on this page. I know You have a purpose for these words …I just wish I knew what it was because I don’t feel like I’m making a lot of progress in this journey.
I’m feeling rather melancholy today. I know…no surprise there. It’s the start of a new year and I’m wishing that You’d offer a bit more clarity about how You want me to shape the days and moments that lay just ahead. I want to make some resolutions. Fill up some to-do lists and come up with a plan. The problem is, for the first time in a long time, I don’t know what it is I’m striving for. Another baby? Not sure. Time to move? Maybe, maybe not. Write a book? Take some classes? Don’t know about those, either. It’s crazy, right? This drive I have to define and map out the future. I’m sure it drives You nuts. I know it drives my family nuts. Why can’t I just seek the still…be content in today, instead of worrying about where I need to go tomorrow.
TRUST ME. I’ve heard You whisper that a lot lately, and I feel it down to my toes. So, why does it have to be so hard?
You’ve given me more than I’ll ever need. I’m blessed beyond measure, yet I’m always asking for more. I’m sorry for that. Sometimes I think I get it completely. I can bask in Your Goodness and Mercy and feel perfectly content. And then, just like that…it’s gone and I’m back in my own pity party again. Do You ever get tired of forgiving me? I know Your Word says You don’t, but it’s got to get old. Thanks for loving me in spite of all the muck I bring along with me. It’s the one thing that keeps me going.
So at the start of this resolution-less year, I guess what I’m asking for is some direction. Help me to listen…to be awake enough to know Your plans. And please give me the courage to follow wherever you lead. Thanks for loving me.
Always Yours,
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 9, 2012 | Uncategorized
Our journey today goes back just a few years, but it feels more like a dozen. It’s from a part of my life that was so fleeting, but at the time felt like it would never end…the mom-of-a-baby-and-preschooler years!
I became a stay-at-home mom when my second daughter was about 9 months old. Before children I was a successful corporate employee working my way up the ladder, so to speak.
It was a tough transition to be home all day, every day with my little ones. While I treasured it, I also craved alone time and was more than a bit depressed about no longer having a “job” at which to excel. Because frankly, I didn’t feel all that successful as a mom. I had two precious girls, but I was so worried about doing everything “right” as a parent that I was forgetting to just enjoy the ride
As a way to break up the monotony of days at home we often took morning “walks.” Any parent of toddlers knows that these walks were more meandering than anything else as we were frequently distracted by bugs and birds and dogs. At first this annoyed me. How was I supposed to burn any calories if we stopped every 5 feet to stare at ants? And then one day, everything changed.
“There are diamonds in the grass, Mommy!”
“Oh, yes, honey! The dew fairies must have come last night.” I said absentmindedly, while I silently lamented that we would now be spending the next 10 minutes admiring the grass. And then it happened. I actually bent down to her level and looked at the dew.
It took my breath away. Water droplets sparkling as far as the eye could see. A brilliant display of God’s beauty made simply out of grass, water, and sunshine. In that moment, I got it. I could spend the rest of my life speeding through life with my own agenda or I could slow down and appreciate the gifts right in front of my nose.
I wish I could say that I’ve been forever changed, but the fact is that I still struggle to enjoy the simple gifts in life. I know my tendency is to make life a race. But hopefully I’m learning to balance it a bit better. It’s a matter of perspective after all…
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 9, 2012 | Uncategorized
The Swing
By Robert Louis Stevenson
How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 7, 2012 | Uncategorized
Today’s moment isn’t a single snapshot of time, but rather a place. The place I feel most content, most at peace, most still…
I was pregnant with Audrey the first time we heard about it. At a church event, a couple shared stories of a place they vacationed each summer with their family. Camp Arcadia MI. Nestled on the shoreline of Lake Michigan, they described how they enjoyed getting away from the chaos of life to be restored in body, mind and spirit. A haven for families…no technology…no television…just good old fashioned fun.
On Audrey’s 1st birthday, our own family set foot on those ground for the very first time. It was love at first sight. There’s a sacred feel, almost as though you are transported back in time to a generation where nature was revered, family time was cherished, and God was the foundation for all. It’s truly the one place I can breath fully, relax completely, and soak in the goodness all around.
Since that first trip, we have traveled those long miles every summer. Our girls speak about Camp Arcadia the same way I think about it in my thoughts. With pure joy, delight, and a bit of awe. I’ve been blessed to travel all around this wonderful world…Europe, Australia, Africa, Hawaii…there’s no place more beautiful, no place I feel closer to my Creator…my heaven on earth. One day when I’m gone, I hope my ashes will be sprinkled there, dancing across the sand, the waves, the shore. My spirit free to soar forever as it does each summer at RKD.
Theme From A Summer Place
There’s a summer place
Where it may rain or storm
Yet I’m safe and warm
For within that summer place
Your arms reach out to me
And my heart is free from all care
For it knows, there are no gloomy skies
When seen through the eyes
Of those who are blessed with love
And the sweet secret of a summer place
Is that it’s anywhere when two people share
All their hopes, all their dreams, all their love
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 7, 2012 | Uncategorized
I gaze upon my children and wonder. Of all the moments we spend together, of all the words I speak, which ones will lock in their memory? 30 years from now when they gaze back to these days, what will they recall…
Clocks. Lots of clocks. Grandfather chimes, cuckoos popping out of hiding, little German children turning round, all marking the turn of time. It was on the brink of magical all those clocks that lived in my grandparent’s home.
Like the rhythmic ticking of the clocks, my early childhood was safe and predictable. Pollyanna-ish, I suppose you could say, in the eyes of my childish naiveté. I was blessed to have many places of sanctuary where I was safe from the “world out there.” One such place was the home of my Pop Pop and Tu Tu. They lived in several throughout the years. Many a day and night I spent in them all. Family gatherings, sleep-overs, and the clocks, always the clocks, with their gentle ticking, a dependable backdrop for it all.
You have to wind the clocks, you know. It’s quite a chore, which I now know from trying to keep up with just the single antique mantle clock resting in my living room. Quite a labor of love it must have been to keep up with the many they had in their home. One day, though, the clocks stopped ticking. A marriage that had been the foundation of my childhood was no more. I remember clearly the day my parents told me that my grandparents were getting a divorce. A what? That was something that happened to other people, certainly not my Pop Pop and Tu Tu. And so, the magical clocks stopped ticking for me…or did they?
It’s true that we can never go back to the ways things used to be. But I’ve learned that the past can either remain a gentle friend or an ugly enemy. I think it’s up to us to choose. And so I choose the magical clocks, like an old familiar friend to greet me when I enter a quiet room. A soothing rhythm to remind me that we are not the ones who wind them after all. For if we were, they would all eventually go silent. But as long as our own hearts beat inside…there is still time. Time to give thanks in all circumstances. Time to forgive. Time to heal. Time to give it over to the only One who can take it anyway.
The Father of Time and the Keeper of Memories can restore it all, if only we let Him…in His time.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. – Ecclesiastes 3
by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 5, 2012 | Uncategorized
We all came to welcome you, we all came to your birth
We all came to welcome you, to welcome you to Earth
And I was there to love you, I was there to love you,
I was there to love you and lend my body for
Your safe and gentle journey here
Through heaven’s open door.
