It was one of those days. A day where my anxiety reigned and shrouded me with it’s dark veil. This thing called anxiety had barreled into my life over the past year, and I was still waiting for rescue. I barely made it through each day as a wife, mom of two, and Director of Communications at my church. During this dark time, I often felt suffocated and paralyzed. Like I was living under water and struggling to make my way to the surface for a breath of air. When panic overcame me at work, I sought refuge in the only place I had privacy – the back of my van. I curled up, lying on the folded seats. I prayed. I meditated. I breathed. I did anything that might calm the surge of adrenaline coursing through my body and irrational thoughts in my mind.
If close my eyes, I still see myself laying there in isolation, desperate for saving. I cried, I raged, and I prayed. I felt alone. So very alone. Outside the van, kids were running around at recess. Happy and carefree, they paraded by, unaware that a shell of a woman was lying on her back just feet away, praying for the pain to stop and for the strength to rise.
Then I heard it. A knock on my back window. Sitting up, I saw a friend and co-worker. Her face pressed up against the tinted glass, searching for me curled inside.
“I’ve been looking for you,” she said as I opened the hatch.
Climbing inside, she sat cross legged with me – two grown women finding respite from the world in an unlikely place – the back of a mini-van. My friend acted like it was the most natural thing to sit there with me. I talked about my fears, and she listened. Her presence calmed me. She didn’t have answers, but she was there – she came to find me, to listen, and that was enough to get me through another day.
I wonder if you have that same tendency to retreat when the world just seems to be too much? Do you hide away and try to go it alone? Dear one, there is Someone knocking, waiting for you to open the door and let Him in.
Jesus, too, says, “I’ve been looking for you.”
When I was young, I was fascinated by a painting of Jesus knocking on a door. It was so interesting because there was no knob on the exterior of that door – it could only be opened from the inside. Revelation 3:20 says, ““Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.”
Jesus will come looking for you no matter where you are, what you’re feeling, or what you’ve done. Scripture tells us that as our Good Shepherd, He will leave the 99 to look for the one. That one is you. He will peer through the window in the door of your heart and wait as long as it takes for you to let Him in. It’s as simple as word, a whisper, a silent prayer. “Come, Lord Jesus.” And when He enters in that most unlikely place, you will be found.
This series is not a tidy story of a fairy tale life. It is messy and truthful. For 31 days, I will share pieces of my journey, practical coping techniques for dealing with anxiety, spiritual insights, emotional struggles, and a whole lot of other. I will likely jump from here to there as the Spirit leads. I invite you along as I share my experience, my strength, and my hope. Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Together, we shall seek the still.