Day 16: The Best Place to Scream

by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 16, 2015 | Anxiety, Help, support

There was a point last spring when my therapist told me to quit reading books and sites about anxiety because I was overwhelming myself trying to find the magic cure. As research extraordinaire, I just knew I could find the one thing that would return me to “normal.”

I hate to burst any bubbles, but there is no magic. Trust me. I have tried everything. There are, however, a few things that help me, and I want to share those over the next few days.

During my worst days, I had so much inner tension it was like my insides were crawling.  I needed some way to release the physical tension and emotions that had built up.

I texted my cousin one day and told him that I just wanted to punch someone or something. He told me to do it! It sounds crazy, but I literally started air-boxing a flurry of punches to let off steam. I tell my girls to punch pillows, that works, too.

My cuz also told me one of his secret stress relievers that sounds bizarre, but works. He gets in the car, drives around, and screams obscenities. You don’t have to do the obscenity thing, but the screaming is a must. The car is the perfect place to do it.

If you know me in real life, I bet you’re chuckling at the image of me yelling or swearing at anyone or anything. In fact, people actually apologize when they curse in front of me. I have no idea why, but it’s true. Anyway, screaming, yelling (and occasionally swearing) alone in the car really works for me and here’s why.

1. I spent the majority of my life not expressing negative emotions. That’s a lot of pent up junk to get out.
2. Screaming (yelling) is a carnal instinct, but we’ve conditioned ourselves to avoid it. Screaming AT someone is not good, but screaming out frustrations or anger to an empty space (or even to God) is cathartic.
3. Screaming at home scares pets and neighbors.
4. Yelling, screaming and cursing in public is not advisable for obvious reasons.
5. I take a drive in the country or park my car in an empty lot to avoid stares.
6. Yelling out the negative things in my head makes space for God to fill me up with the good.
7. I tend to stuff my emotions, so a good yell fest helps me avoid lashing out or getting annoyed over little things because I’ve let things build inside.

I know it sounds strange, but don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Just remember to make sure your windows are up if anyone’s around!

Masquerade

by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 13, 2015 | Anxiety, Help, support

If I had to chose the most important lesson I learned in group therapy, it would be the day of the masks. There was a small group of us that morning – only 5 compared to the typical 8-10+. The therapist gave us a choice. We could do a more personal activity because of the small group or we could talk about XYZ (I can’t remember the other option). There was dead silence for empty seconds. Nobody wanted to choose.

“Let’s do the personal thing,” I heard myself say to the room. A few heads nodded in agreement and the therapist left the room to gather the supplies. He came back with a stack of blank paper and a kit of colorful pencils.

“Your assignment,” he explained, “is to draw, write, or use any kind of creative means to document on this piece of paper what other people think about you.  In other words, what is the outside of your mask?”

My what? I thought to myself. I don’t wear a mask. 

“And then on the other side of the paper,” he continued, “draw, write or otherwise indicate what you think about yourself inside.  You, know, what you’re like when you take off your mask.”

Now, I am a rule follower. Teacher’s pet, remember? So, I wanted to ace this task, but I was just beginning to learn that my inside didn’t match my outside. And the idea of a mask I didn’t know I had was rather disconcerting. I started at the easiest place. I am a writer, not an artist, so I described the outside of my mask with the following words (this is a scan of the actual paper I wrote on that day). If you know me in real life, this is most likely what you see.

Well that was easy! But now I had to consider this whole idea of a mask. If you had asked me 5 months earlier to describe myself, I would have used the words above. That’s mostly who I thought Laura was for the first 37 years of my life. But, these last few months had proven that something was off. My body knew it well before my mind knew it, which means my soul knew it from the very beginning. I was wearing a mask. It was a lovely, beautiful mask, but it was a mask none-the-less.

As I stared at the blank, reverse side of the paper, I sensed this was another pivot point in my journey. If I was going to take the steps toward being whole, I needed to do the hard work of seeing who I really was. I looked within, took off my mask and wrote what I saw on the inside.

It was disturbing to realize I had been living a lie. I honestly thought my lovely mask was the real me, and I bet you did, too. But on the inside, I had this overwhelming list of feelings and doubts and shame to which I had never given a voice. When I shared the outside and inside of my mask with the group, I sobbed and they stared. The therapist asked the other students to share what they thought about my mask. “I never would have guessed you felt that way on the inside,” they said. “I feel that way, too,” they shared.

And as we all shared the outside and inside of our masks, the point of the activity became quite clear – EVERYONE WEARS A MASK. It’s true! We put our best and loveliest out there for the world to see, and we hide behind these beautiful, plastic, uncomfortable masks. And it works for a time, but eventually the masks crack or begin to slip. We become desperate to keep them on and we deny the doubts, feelings, sin and fears within. If the mask falls off when we’re not looking or not expecting it , it’s painful. But when we gently remove them in love to peer at the inside for the first time, it’s beautiful.

Jesus came to remove your mask, love. He sees right through it to the heart of you, and the heart of you is beautiful. He says let me help you through this process of removing your mask. We’ll do it together. You confess to me all the darkness and ugliness that you hide, and I will replace it with light and love and truth. I’ll help you remove your mask each and every day, I promise. Imagine my loving hands cupping your face to say, “You don’t need this mask anymore.” I gently remove it from your face, so you no longer have to hide. It is finished. Let me in. You are mine forever, mask and all.

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .
Masquerade!
Look around –
there’s another
mask behind you!

–Masquerade from Phantom of the Opera

Day 11: The Diagnosis

by Laura Fleetwood | Oct 11, 2015 | Anxiety, Help, support

Outpatient Clinic, the sign read. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and resigned myself to the experience ahead.  A day earlier, I had walked into a hospital and asked for help. It was now time for that help to begin.  Acute outpatient program is the precise term. It is a substantial commitment of 3 hours per day, 3 times a week for a typical duration of 6 weeks. I arrived early that first day, as instructed, to complete the necessary forms and evaluations. By this point I had developed a fairly concise version of my story. and I dutifully recited the words while my mind grappled with the reality that I was here. At an outpatient mental health facility. For real.

With my assessment from the previous day and an interview with the nurse and intake therapist, I received my official diagnosis. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). This is what the National Institute of Mental Health has to say about GAD.

People with GAD can’t seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. They can’t relax, startle easily, and have difficulty concentrating. Often they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Physical symptoms that often accompany the anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes.

GAD develops slowly. It often starts during the teen years or young adulthood. Symptoms may get better or worse at different times, and often are worse during times of stress.

So there it was – typed neatly in black and white for all to see. A diagnosis and a treatment plan. Over the next 6 weeks I was assigned the following goals in addition to group therapy and seeing the doctor each week:
Laura F. 
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
1) Identify 3-5 unrealistic “shoulds” or unrealistic expectations that increase anxiety and create challenges for each.
2) Discuss the impact of perfectionism on your anxiety and identify 3-5 ways you can address perfectionistic thinking.

Um. Ok. I signed the treatment plan, attached my nametag to my shirt, clutched my standard issue blue folder and warily took my first step into Group Therapy Room 3. The room looked more like a corporate board room than a therapy room, complete with the large table circled by chairs.  The color of the walls was a ghastly dark gray and the closed blinds a fashion faux-pas shade of hunter green. There was a whiteboard on the front wall and an eclectic group of people around the table ranging from teens to seniors. I looked for the friendliest face in the bunch and sat down. A dutiful student always, my notebook opened, my pen readied, and I prepared to do whatever it took to get my life back on track.  I just didn’t realize that the only way out would be through.

Join me tomorrow (Day 12) to learn what really happens in group therapy and the hard truth that hit me the first day.

This series is not a tidy story of a fairy tale life.  It is messy and truthful.  For 31 days, I will share pieces of my journey, practical coping techniques for dealing with anxiety, spiritual insights, emotional struggles, and a whole lot of other.  I will likely  jump from here to there as the Spirit leads.  I invite you along as I share my experience, my strength, and my hope. Thank you for being part of this journey with me.  Together, we shall seek the still.