OUR KIDS ARE KILLING THEMSELVES AND IT’S NOT OK.
Last night I called a family meeting on our cozy gray couch. My two girls (ages 11 & 9) turned off their devices and sat down next to one another. They watched Justin and me expectantly with their beautiful, innocent eyes. I said a quick prayer in my head and told them I needed to talk about something that recently happened to a girl in our community.
I did not want to have this conversation. I also felt that I had no choice. A beautiful, talented 14-year-old girl recently took her life after being bullied online and in person.
I STARTED THE CONVERSATION WITH A STORY
I was bullied on the bus in middle school, and the memories never go away. I still feel the sticky pleather bus seats and the bone-deep pit in my stomach. I desperately kept my nose buried in a book and prayed the older girl wouldn’t turn her attention on me. Because when she did, I knew the rampage wouldn’t stop until the tears came, and she saw my physical reaction to her sting. I also told them about the horrific feeling of hearing hurtful words behind my back in high school french class (loud enough for me to hear) and the most important thing about both instances: I never said a word.
And then I just came out and said it: A lovely, wonderful girl in our community was bullied at her new school and she took her own life because of it. Then we asked the girls what they would do if they were bullied or they saw someone getting bullied (or heaven forbid they were part of the bullying). And we listened. And we talked. And we shared.
TELL SOMEONE.
We have a rule in our family. If you are feeling mad, sad, hurt, shamed, anxious, worried, depressed or confused, the very first thing you do is tell someone. You are a precious child of God and you were not meant to go through life alone. Other than the Golden Rule, it’s what we stress the most. Don’t suffer in silence. You are loved, and we are here.
THE POWER OF “ME, TOO.”
Unfortunately, telling someone may not be enough and the war can rage on. So, we talked to the girls about the power of empathy. Hearing the simple phrase, “me, too” can be a lifeline for someone who feels isolated and alone. We aren’t responsible for fixing anyone, but we can let them know that we see them and acknowledge their pain.
BE OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH
I detest the phrase “mental health,” but I don’t know what else to call it. One out of four people will struggle with anxiety or depression in their lifetime and those are just the ones who report it. I do, and I’m honest with my kids about it. We talk about what it feels like to be anxious and how it’s ok and good to see a therapist. They know I take medication and that I write and talk about my struggles to help others. As parents, we have to let our kids know that there is help available. They need to know it’s not weird or abnormal to get help, so they’re more likely to reach out when they need it.
LEAD WITH LOVE
I don’t pretend to have all the answers here. This is simply my attempt to share my experience and continue the conversation. I think we’re often quick to blame and judge in these situations when what we really need is love. Love for the hurting. Love for the parents. Love for the teachers. And yes, love for the bullies. Remember how I didn’t tell anyone when I was being bullied? Well, I also didn’t tell anyone when I saw others being bullied. I did not stand up for the girls who were feeling the same way I did. I wish I had because love wins. It really does.
There are free resources for any child or adult who thinks they might hurt themselves. You can get immediate crisis help for free. Do not hesitate to call 911. Every life is worth saving. If you are thinking about suicide or want to get help for someone considering suicide, call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). For information and help regarding suicide, go to metanoia.org/suicide or visit our suicide prevention resources.
What happens when a carefully crafted life crumbles?
In a culture brimming with people hiding behind lovely masks, it is refreshing and freeing to read an author who tells the story of her life without a filter. Such is the woman named Annie F. Downs, author of the newly released book Looking for Lovely: Collecting The Moments that Matter.Annie holds nothing back in her narrative journey. She gives insight into her struggles with food and singleness right along side her penchant for pretty nails. It is this juxtaposition of real life that I found so entertaining and enlightening. Not to mention my signed, pre-release copy came filled with glitter – just saying!
Even thoughLooking for Lovely is segmented into devotion-like chapters, I found myself finishing it one day, not wanting to postpone the lessons God taught Annie, thus teaching me. After releasing just two days ago, this book is a hot commodity, selling out in book stores and online distributors across the nation. Do yourself a favor and get a copy for your personal library. And if you just want a taste, you can listen to the lovely Annie F. Downs read chapter one in the new episode of That Sounds Fun podcast!
I hereby induct Annie F. Downs as a fellow seeker of the still who will help us continue the quest for moments of divine amidst the chaos of life. Lovely is all around you. See it, receive it, and soak it in. FYI – The Bible Study version releases May 1.
I saw it everywhere on social media this past weekend. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter were laden with images and text declaring that Easter was the day that changed everything! It is true. The death and resurrection of Jesus are the most important events in the history of the world. When Jesus took our place on the cross, paid the price for our sins, and rose victorious on Easter morning, He defeated sin and death once and for all. It doesn’t get more important than that.
The most important event in history. And how do I respond? How does it impact my life? Now that the celebration is over, do I go about my business? Or am I fundamentally changed?
On and off over the past two years, I’ve been practicing the meditative study of scripture known as Lectio Divina (the divine reading). It’s a way of meditating on a short segment of the Bible. First I read the the passage slowly. Then I read it again and listen for a particular word or phrase that stands out. I silently reflect on it, pondering what it means in my life, why God might have placed it on my heart. Then I respond, most often by writing what I feel Jesus saying to me through that scripture. Finally, I re-read the scripture and simply rest. I let the words and reassurance of God’s love wash over me.
As I was contemplating what to write in the wake of Easter, I flipped back through the pages of my journal from the spring of 2014 when my life shattered from a stress-induced emotional and physical breakdown. On May 30, 2014, I meditated on John 1:3-5. I’d like to share the unedited message that God put on my heart that day through this divine reading, and I pray that it speaks to you as you live your life in the truth of Easter.
Step 1: Read (Lectio) Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. – John 1:3-5
Step 2: Reflect (Meditatio)
What is this life that is the light of men? Jesus! Jesus is our life. We were made through Him. We have His light within us. What, then, is the light? Is it my Soul? Spirit? Love? Essence? Whatever it is, it is completely separate from the darkness.
There is some essence in me – The Word. Jesus. Light. That is connected to the very beginning – to the Word that was God and is God. How do I access it? How do I let it be the essence of my being?
Step 3: Respond (Oratio)
Dear Laura,
Yes, you have both light and darkness within you. The light is my very being – The Word that was God and was with God in the beginning – Me, Jesus. The darkness is also there – your innate sin from Adam. It will cause you great trouble in this life and it cannot understand my light that is also right there.
It is a constant struggle for you…which to let reign in your heart and mind. I know it seems so simple…just choose light! Choose me, Jesus. You know this, you feel it, yet the darkness consumes you to where the light is no longer understood. My light and life is always within you. You must actively seek it and feel it every moment of every day. It is more powerful than the darkness. Set your heart and mind upon the light to chase away the darkness because the darkness doesn’t stand a chance against my light. Arm yourself with sword of truth – the WORD. Pray unceasingly to me. LET GO of your sin because I no longer see it upon you because of Christ’s love and sacrifice for you.
You worry about so many things, that is choosing darkness. Do not worry – choose light! Yes, it means giving up control. It means acknowledging that you’ve been chasing the wrong things your entire life. Whatever is good, lovely, peaceful, true – fix your mind on these things. They are gifts of the light. They are me. They are for you. I am with you, part of you – always.
The darkness (worry, sin, anxiety) can hold no power over you when you let it go and choose my light. Know that you can accept it as your human nature, but that you don’t have to fear it because my light is stronger – always. Choose joy even in the darkness. Choose freedom in the face of fear. Choose grace and forgiveness for yourself and others. And when you find that you can’t do it on your own (which you will), ask me to do it for you. It is finished, my love. The war is over, the battle is won.
Do you struggle with this battle between the darkness and light within you? I think you do, and I think you will your entire life long. All the more reason to get to know Jesus more and more each and every day. He is the answer to every question, every struggle, every sorrow. Every word in scripture points to Him. We are given these words that we would know Him better. I think that’s the only way to respond to the victory of Easter. We can’t live a perfect life, but we don’t have to. Our call is simply to know Jesus. To worship Him. To read His word. To take it to heart. To rest in His love and mercy. May His Holy Spirit help us do it!
Laura Fleetwood and Elise Aromando were two women separately dealing with tough struggles until God unexpectedly brought them together. They became friends and spiritual supporters – “sisters!” In the video below, Laura and Elise share the story of God working in the midst of cancer, chronic pain, anxiety & depression to strengthen faith, provide new beginnings, and offer hope for the future.
Six months ago, my friend, Elise sent the following text…”You won’t believe the dream I had last night. It was so real! You and I were standing on a stage in front of women sharing our stories.”
What?!? Back then, the thought of sharing my story in words was still new to me, so the thought of sharing out loud was not on my radar at all. God has His own plans, though, and last Friday night, surrounded by 200 women, Elise and I shared our story of “sistering.” We took off our masks, showed our mess, and pointed to the One who continues to carry us through.
Elise sharing her journey of cancer, anxiety & chronic pain.
Me sharing my story of a nervous breakdown and divine breakthrough.
The process of preparing and speaking for this event impacted me in profound ways. It was scary. It was healing. It opened old wounds. It set me free. Most of all, it was an honor to let God use my story and impact women struggling with similar issues. Now that I’ve had a few days to reflect on the experience, I want to share what I learned.
Because you don’t have to tell your story to a room full of people for it to matter.
Give God Space to Work
Rehearsing for a speaking engagement is tricky. It’s a balance of knowing the content, yet being flexible enough to respond to the audience and incorporate impromptu thoughts. It is tempting to simply read a script. In fact, the first few times I practiced telling my story, that’s exactly what I did. I needed the safety of the written word to get through. But it felt too stiff. Too stale. Too safe. As I prayed about last Friday’s event, I realized that I knew this material. It was my story, after all. I lived it. I breathed it. And now it was time to trust God with it. I knew I needed to ask Him to open my mind and heart as well as my mouth and know that He would give me right words at the right time. I let go, and let God, and it was amazing.
We like to play it safe with other areas of our life, too, don’t we?
It feels good to plan and control. But just like speaking, there is a balance to achieve. If we are too controlling and think our way is the only way, we miss the opportunity for God to direct our paths. We need to give Him space to work in every area of our life! I am learning to open my hands of control and lay my plans and my words at God’s feet. I long to let go and trust that His outcome is always best.
Prayer is Powerful
A few days before the event last week, I was starting to feel the familiar anxiety creep in. I got tense and terse with my family, so they asked if I was anxious about speaking. After thinking about it, I realized that I wasn’t nervous about speaking at all, I was simply nervous that I MIGHT get nervous. I know…there is a reason I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder! But before I could get too worked up, people began texting, emailing, and messaging me with words of encouragement.
They said they were praying for me.
And when Elise and I arrived Friday morning for the walkthrough, I incredulously asked her if she was anxious?
“No, not all,” she replied.
“Me, either!” I responded with glee.
Those prayers carried us throughout the day, through the event, into the evening. and to this day.
The Magic of Stories
I am fascinated by Revelations 12:11 where it says,
They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.
We overcome evil and sin and suffering in this world through the grace of Jesus and by sharing our stories. That is huge! Why? Why are our stories so important? I think it’s because stories (real, raw stories) act like a mirror. When you hear a story, you automatically see yourself in it. Something about it resonates. It becomes intensely personal. That’s why Jesus spoke in parables – stories! Those stories share the most powerful truths we need to know, but rather than telling us with facts, Jesus told us with stories.
So, what’s your story? How do you even begin? That’s a topic for an entire post, but here’s one idea. Get a sheet of paper and list the milestones from your life. Start at the beginning and work your way toward today. What are the highlights (both good and bad). Then go back and make notes about how God was working in your life through those times. Finally, do the mask activity. What’s on the inside and outside of your mask? You will see your story begin to take shape.
Walls Can Come Down
Don’t believe the lies this world tells us. The lies that say you have to wear a mask. The lies that say you need to live up to your Facebook status. The lies that say you are less than the woman sitting next to you. After I spoke last Friday, I stayed up on the stage in case any of the women wanted to speak to me. Did they ever! One by one, strangers and friends, alike, came up and shared parts of their own story with me. Ladies lingered at their tables. People didn’t want to leave! As Elise and I shared our stories, the facade of every person in that room began to crack and tumble down. We looked at one another and saw beautiful, broken sisters with more in common than not. When I think back to that evening, that’s the picture I want to remember. Women of all ages, all shapes, all sizes daring to let down the guard that the world forces upon us to allow the Holy Spirit to stir. I pray that He continues to stir us, one heart, one story at a time.
Video of Event
Laura Fleetwood and Elise Aromando were two women separately dealing with tough struggles until God unexpectedly brought them together. They became friends and spiritual supporters – “sisters!” In the video below, Laura and Elise share the story of God working in the midst of cancer, chronic pain, anxiety & depression to strengthen faith, provide new beginnings, and offer hope for the future.
It seems like I’ve been sick forever. Actually, it’s only been a few weeks since my cold turned to to a sinus infection, but it seems much longer! It never feels good to be in the midst of suffering, even if that suffering is temporary like a little cold. One day, as I sat on the couch surrounded by tissues, blankets, and bottles of water, my sweet Anna gave me a piece of paper. With her permission, I want to share what she wrote:
In one beautiful letter, my 9 year old daughter reminded me what it means to love someone through suffering. Her example has much to teach us. Whether you are loving someone through a temporary season of struggle or a seemingly endless one, here are just a few lessons I learned from Anna Marie that serve as a good reminder to us all.
It’s ok to be sad (or mad) for someone you love.
Suffering sucks. It doesn’t do any good to pretend otherwise. When a loved-one is suffering, let’s not diminish their feelings by pretending them away. I used to do that. If something bad happened, I would try to distract it away. Now, when a loved one is hurting, I meet them where they are.
We take turns. Have you ever noticed that we trade roles in our close relationships? When one party is hurting, they lean on the other party to be strong and remind them of the greater truths. Then a season will change, and the roles reverse. It’s an ebb and flow and precisely why God brings precious people to walk with us during our journey. We would be wise to remember this when it seems easier to turn away rather than toward someone we love. They need us now, and we will need them soon.
It’s all temporary. Ok. This one is difficult. I am emerging from a suffering season that I thought would never end. People told me it would end, but in the darkness of the pit it was hard to believe. At the same time, I needed to hear it. It’s like when the therapist tells you to trust the process when you want a quick fix. It’s not.what.you.want.to.hear. But it doesn’t make it any less true. Suffering IS temporary. It may not be as easy for us as lifting a feather, as my dear Anna poetically wrote, but we have a God who is completely capable of seeing us through whatever we face.
Give practical help.
It’s easy to say, “let me know what I can do,” and go on your merry way. Instead, say, “here’s what I’m going to do.” I’m going to bring you a meal every Tuesday. I’m going to go with you to your next appointment. I’m going to treat you to a movie.
I’m going to send you a card twice a month. Your loved ones probably won’t ask for the help they need, so don’t wait for them to ask!
Never stop saying, I love you. Hearing these three powerful words never gets old. Say it during a hug. Say it first thing in the morning. Say it last thing at night. Say it on your way out the door. Say it in a text. Say in on a note. Say it, say it, say it. There is nothing more powerful than love.
Thank you, Anna Marie, for your love, compassion, and reminders that I am not alone. I am never alone.
I have a confession to make. Several of them, I suppose. I. Am. A. Writer. It’s taken years to write that sentence without feeling a fraud. But it’s true. When I write from my soul, I feel centered. Complete. Whole. The universe comes into focus, the words pour from my fingertips, and the truth appears on the page. But part of the reason for writing is to have others read the words. And this is the heart of my confession – I’ve been chasing readers. I have begun to believe the advertisements that flood my email and Facebook feed:
A Step-By-Step Plan that Builds Your Brand, Creates Community, and Attracts New Customers How to Become a Successful Published Author
Blogging for SEO: How to Write Blog Posts That Rank Well The 10 Commandments of Using Pinterest for Business How to Increase Fan Engagement on Your Facebook Page
The more I analyze and strategize, the less joy I experience and the fewer words I write. Thinking over the past year, I realized that I felt most connected, engaged, and authentic when writing the 31 Day Series. Writing each day, I didn’t have time to over-think. I just wrote.
My other confession is that I’m still very much in the healing process from what I’ve experienced these past few years. I may have graduated from therapy, but I’m still dealing with symptoms of anxiety and stress. My new normal is not quite normal, I suppose. But life goes on.
I comforted a sick child tonight as the thermometer read 100.1, yet again. Devastated with the prospect of another missed day of school, I reassured her that her body needed time to heal and the medicines needed time to work. I gave her lots of snuggles, told her it would be ok, and drew her a warm bubble bath. I sit at this moment watching her relax in my tub and realize I need to listen to my own advice. I need the same time, care, and space to heal.
It’s Ash Wednesday, you know. I received my ash cross this morning and wore it throughout the day. A startling reminder each time a mirror reflects the black mark upon my forehead. The ashes, burned from last year’s palms, remind me that I am broken. I am blackened ash. I need healing. I need cleansing. I need a Savior to say, Let me draw you a bath, dear one. Let me remind you of your spiritual washing that took place the day you were baptized into me. Let me take your place of pain and sorrow. Let me bear your every sin, your every shame. Write the words, Laura. Trust me to provide the readers.
This Lenten season, I sense a need to settle into something. I know not what it is, there just outside my reach. I make no promises to write daily, but I do pledge to write from the space deep within…to take a break from the chasing and renew the quest for still.
For close to a decade, we’ve had the same bedtime routines with our daughters. Night after night we snuggle in and whisper the familiar songs and prayers. One of the songs I still sing to my youngest is Hush, Little Anna – more commonly known as Hush, Little Baby. Hush, little Anna, don’t say a word. Mama’s gonna buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird won’t sing, Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass, Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass…
Usually I sing the words without giving them a thought, but the other night something about the lyrics felt disturbingly true. Mama guilt started to rise and familiar doubt struck deep. Do I try to buy and strive my way into my daughters’ love?
Last weekend we took our first trip to a Lego store and with the rare occasion of extra money from tax refunds, I treated the girls not only to Legos but also a surprise trip to Justice and Build-A-Bear. At the time, it felt fun and spontaneous, but I started to doubt my intentions. It’s hard to raise non-materialistic children in a hyper-materialistic world.
So what is a parent to do? On one hand, I enjoy giving my children gifts because I love them. And then I can Instagram their reaction and cross post to Facebook for good measure. But years from now, when my daughters reflect on their childhood, I want them to remember my love, not extravagant Pinterest projects and Lego gifts.
With Valentine’s Day a week away, it’s a good time to think about non-purchase, non-Pinterest ways to show love to my girls and other children in my life. Here are 10 simple ideas for any age that only require good old fashioned time and love.
Tell a story. Storytelling is a universal love language. Children especially love true stories about your own childhood. Do yourself a favor and take a trip back in time. What did you love as a child? When did you get in trouble? Who were your friends? Once the gears start turning, you’ll be surprised at how much you remember. Your children will cherish the insight into your life.
Take a night walk. Night walks are simply magical. Give your kids a flashlight and explore your neighborhood as the sun begins to set. With God’s artwork painting the sky, twilight will turn to dusk and then to dark. Don’t be surprised if your independent kiddos suddenly want to hang close and hold your hand when the familiar world turns quiet and mysterious.
Lay on the ground and look at the stars. Even in cold weather, star gazing is fun. Lay down the blankets, grab a few pillows, and see who can find the first star. Gazing at the heavens reminds us of our smallness and the majesty of creation. No movie or video game can compare.
Scratch a back. One of my favorite childhood memories is sitting on a church pew with my grandmother as she sang the hymns and gently scratched my arm. My girls love to have their back scratched. Who doesn’t? It reduces anxiety and releases feel-good hormones. Form a family back scratching line. Even the pets will want to take part.
Tuck them in. Bedtime is so important. Often barriers come down and children become more willing to talk. Something as simple as sitting on their bed for 5 minutes and playing with their hair makes for a relaxing end to the day.
Ask questions and Just. Listen. I admit that I struggle with this one. I always feel like I have to say something or make some observation. Like all of us, children just want to know they’ve been heard. Encouraging, open body language goes a long way. Often words aren’t even necessary. Put down the phone, look into their eyes, and listen with your heart. Your kids will come alive with sincere attention and interest.
Write a note and hide it in their book bag or lunch box. The goal of this one is not to embarrass your kids, so put the note someplace where only they will see it. My husband recently put an encouraging sticky note on my steering wheel, and I left it there ever since. Small reminders of love pay dividends well into the future.
Play a game of war. Kids of all ages can play war. There’s something about the light-hearted competition of a simple card game. It doesn’t take a lot of time, and your kids will love it (especially if they win).
Send a love text. Just because. If you’re like me, texting has become a primary method of communication. Remember to send plenty of love texts along with the others. The sillier, the better. It’s guaranteed to bring a smile.
Remind them that you love them NOT for what they do, but for who they are. We live in a performance culture where approval and praise are frequently mistaken for love. Instead of focusing on the outcome of your child’s efforts, focus on the process. Let them know that you love watching them play the piano, or catch the football, or paint the canvas. They need to know you love them just as they are without any conditions of achieving success.
With a bit of balance, we can incorporate retro parenting along side the conveniences of the day. I believe our children will thank us!
In Part I of this post, I shared how a season of pain and struggle unmade me (still is, really)…I’m breathing through an anxiety attack as I type these words. The trials of my life have a way of uncovering what is true and opening my clenched fists to let go of what is false. I’m learning a three-fold way of living vulnerable that is changing my world.
Vulnerability With Self I don’t want to admit that I’m wrong. Anything, but that, Jesus. Surely there is a way to fix this. I just need to read the right book, find the right doctor, or eat the right food. Control is what I know. It’s what I’m good at doing. It’s so much easier to pretend I’m ok. If I admit that I’m not ok, then I’m admitting there’s something wrong with me. And there is…sin. I put myself at the center of my life instead of you, Lord. I try to surrender and give you control only to take it back, again. I make excuses. I hide.
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Help me be honest about my sin.
Vulnerability With Jesus I’m sorry for making an idol of myself, Jesus. As I become more aware of my sin, I also become more aware of how much I need You and Your forgiveness. Help me spill all my secrets to You, a daily shedding. I want to talk to You and share my fears and failures. I want to open my heart and life to You, Jesus. You walked the hardest road for me…the road to the cross…to the grave…to the resurrection. Who am I that you would do that? Help me daily confess my sins and receive the amazing grace of your forgiveness.
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Remind me to talk to you daily and bask in your love, for you keep no records of my wrongs.
Vulnerability With Others Everything in me wants to hide my weaknesses from others, Jesus, to pretend I have it all together. In fact, I spent a lifetime doing just that. But I’m done, or at least I want to be. I’ve learned we were made to live in community. Sharing my hard days with others has broken down walls. When I’m honest about my trials, You bring amazing people into my life to say, “me, too.” I know now that I was never meant to walk alone, without You and without others. I want to remove my mask and live free.
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Help me to remove my mask and share my story with those around me. Help them see You through me.
I wonder what would happen if we tried to be more vulnerable with ourselves, with Jesus, and with one another. It would be difficult, for sure. It would be messy, yes. But it also might open the space for Jesus to work in powerful ways. I am willing to try. Are you?
I moved many times as a child. Five times, in fact, I started over in a new town, at a new school, and with new friends. I remember steeling myself for the inevitable. I donned the fake smile, assessed the new sea of faces, and quietly tried to blend into the crowd. I learned to wear a mask and be a stealth chameleon, adapting to each environment.
I was safe behind my chameleon skin. I said the right things, and prided myself in excellence and achievement. When bad feelings started to threaten my world, I stuffed them down and moved on to the next thing. I fooled myself into thinking I could erase the pain, sadness, anger, and fear by embracing a lovely mask.
For 37 years I lived this way, with my beautiful mask and over-achieving, perfectionist ways. For all intents and purposes, I lived the American dream. I had two beautiful daughters, a dedicated husband, and a successful corporate career, traveling the world.
In time, my desire for a more flexible schedule and God’s timing collided in a transition to work for Messiah as Director of Communications. I had it all…until I didn’t.
There are trade-offs to living an anesthetized life. I kept people at arms-length, even my closest family members. I favored to-do lists over relationships. I thought emotions (the messy ones) were dark and weak. I avoided them at all costs. As a result, I simultaneously dulled the good emotions, and jumped from one achievement to the next to help me avoid the deeply buried fear that I just wasn’t enough.
Essentially, I was a fraud. If you knew me then, you probably thought I was one of those perfect Pinterest people. I was so good at wearing my beautiful mask, I even had myself fooled.
And then 18 months ago, in a season of heavy stress, my carefully constructed façade began to crack under years of pressure. Like an earthquake shifting plates deep below the surface, my body and my mind began to fissure. I began having panic attacks, stomach aches, and could not sleep. The more I tried to figure it out with doctors and research, the worse it became. I took a “leave of absence” around this time. It was more than a leave, it was a crumbling, a shattering of my protective bubble. For the first time in my life, I had to admit I didn’t know what to do. I fell to my knees. I cried to God, and whispered the words that changed my life.
I can’t do this on my own, Lord. I need help.
I wish I could share that God sent an angel from heaven to help me see the error of my ways and make me whole. It didn’t happen that way at all. It has been a scary, messy, zig-zag of a journey. I’m as stubborn as they come! It took a long time (and lots of therapy) to realize that the kingdom I had built was never mine. I had to learn to allow myself to feel the pain and fear of the past, to sift my memories and view them through the loving eyes of my Savior Jesus rather than through the world’s judgmental stare. I had to unlearn the building of walls and control. I had to confront the truth of the idols in my life and trust Jesus’ love and forgiveness.
The more I learned (or actually unlearned) the more freedom and joy I felt. I came to a point when I realized these lessons might be helpful to others. During the month of October, I shared a 31 day series about my journey through anxiety and depression. Never, did I imagine how God would use my story to remind me of three powerful truths…View Part II.
I sat at my work desk clicking away, ear buds flowing music. Someone popped their head into the doorway and asked to speak with me. I share a room with three other people, so the two of us sought a bit of privacy in the corner of a hallway, and she broke into tears.
This is happening often to me now. Since sharing my story, I’ve become a “knower.” A safe person for friends and strangers to spill their stories. I am honored. I am undeserving. And I am often at a loss for what to say.
She asked me to keep her and the situation in my prayers, and I committed with my head and my heart to do just that. And I have. Every day since.
So why did I forget to pray with her right then when she was standing within the hold of my arms, tears leaking feelings and vulnerability? Why was it only after she left, sitting at my desk rehashing the conversation in my mind, that I realized I missed the opportunity just then to hold her hand and pray words of love and grace over her.
Total truth today…I have a long way to go before prayer with others comes as naturally as the prayers in my head.
Lord, when opportunities arise. please encourage me to pray for others, with others, in person. Be in our midst, our struggles, our sorrows. Lead me to pray.
I feel wide and vulnerable these past days. Like I’m standing on the edge of a precipice staring down at dots of things below. In the past, I fled from days like this. Honestly, I still want to flee. I’m tempted to start googling “anxiety & depression cures.” Ok, maybe I already have. But I know what happens when I start trying to figure everything out: I feel less peace and more anxiety than before.
There doesn’t have to be a reason for me to feel tired and sad, with my heart bare and open for all to see. It just is. I’m doing my best to get on with life, remembering that feelings are temporary.
The girls see it in my eyes, though. They give me more hugs and more I love yous. I am grateful for each one.
As I wade through these current waters, there are a few ways I remind myself to seek the still and not panic. Here are some of things I say.
Walk toward your fear, Laura. Respect it and give it space. See where it leads you.
You are not alone.
You worship a God of miracles. He can use your current circumstances to do something beautiful.
Give thanks. Yes, it’s difficult when all you want to do is scream and cry. Do it anyway. Not to get rid of the fear and sadness, but to magnify the beauty all around you.
Take a walk. You always feel better after a walk, even if you don’t feel like going.
Write. Always write.
Share. To someone, anyone. Get the words out of your head. Ask for help and support.
Hope. There is always hope. You don’t know what’s right around the corner. It just might be amazing.
Listen. To music, to the playful kids. Listen with your heart as well as your ears.
Pray. God knows what you need. He doesn’t require the perfect words or posture, He just wants you.
Receive. There is boundless love and light surrounding you. It’s ok if you don’t feel it right now. Just remember it’s there.
Read. Absorb God’s promises. They are true. Every single one.
Cry if you want to. The yucky feelings are ok.
Breathe and then breathe some more.
And if you forget to do any of these things, it’s ok. Just let go and be.
What do you tell yourself when you’re on the edge?
