Why I Seek the Still

I have spent my life achieving, controlling, and plowing through challenges to prove my worth.  I was the quintessential first born – a perfectionist, over-achieving, people-pleaser.  My resume was impressive.  My references were stellar.   I didn’t give up.  I just gave more and worked harder.  By most standards I had it all.  An amazing husband, beautiful daughters, and flexible jobs that allowed me to be home with my young children.

And I was falling apart.

The successful woman that spent her twenties traveling the world was now struggling to keep it together due to the onset of stress-related issues.  Anxiety, stress, and insomnia were suddenly the dark shadows that covered my days and terrorized my nights.  I looked in the mirror and stared in wonder at the familiar face with the empty eyes.  

I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I felt joy.

While keeping up appearances on the outside, I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit on the inside.  It was in this bizarre state of being that I found myself during times of crisis – the Great Wake-up Call of 2010 and the Breakdown of 2014.  These were divine interruptions of my rose-colored world that were more than 30 years in the making.  I am convinced that God wanted my attention. 

You say that God is in control, but your thoughts and actions say otherwise.  

I felt him whisper, Do you want to feel peace and joy again?  You can’t work your way out of this one on your own.  Be Still and Know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

So here in this space, I do what does not come naturally.  What I cannot do on my own.  I let things drop.  I face my fear.  I search for answers not in my own capabilities, but in the loving hands of my Heavenly Father.  I share what I have learned and the mistakes I have made.  I’m honest.  Raw.  Real.  I take off my mask.  Because real is the only way to help others – to let love win.

He is The Way when there is no way.  

Seeking to find purpose and meaning in the most simple of places, but in the most extraordinary ways. Growing…awakening… learning to seek the still.  I do hope you will join me…