by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 7, 2007 | Anxiety, Uncategorized
I’m warning you in advance this post is a reflection of me in one of my weaker states of mind. I’m hoping that putting the words out here will help me sort through these emotions and be able to put them behind me or at least find a way to put them in perspective.
I’ve been feeling sorry for myself over the past week or so and it all came to a climax this weekend with Justin receiving the brunt of my misdirected angst. I guess the root of it is that I’m realizing I haven’t fully accepted the fact that having 2 young children means I have to put my own life on the back burner. I’m a very driven person – an achiever. Each day for me starts at zero and I don’t feel good unless I get things accomplished. Plus, I’m a perfectionist, so the things I do accomplish need to be perfect. That’s a big problem with a 2-year-old and newborn depending on you for their every need and entertainment. There are days when I don’t even get a shower let alone accomplish something that doesn’t involve a rear-end, boob or fingerpaint. With Anna demanding more attention now, I think it’s finally starting to catch up with me.
Justin decided he’s going to train for the St. Louis marathon taking place this spring, which means a significant commitment to training and some fairly long runs that he’ll do on the weekends. When he told me about wanting to do this, I had two emotions immediately well up inside: excitement (for him), jealousy (for me).
You see, I’ve always wanted to run a marathon, too. In fact, during my senior year of college I trained for the Chicago marathon and I even got up to running the 14 mile long run before an injury to my foot put a halt to that achievement. I would LOVE to train for a marathon right now – it would get me out of the house, give me something to focus on for MYSELF and get rid of the baby weight (bonus!), but there’s no way in hades that I can commit to something like that at this point in my life.
So, when Justin went for his first long run this Saturday, I was irritated to the max. I’ve been cooped up in the house all week and he gets to go out in the great weather with his friends and have a nice run. HOW DARE HE! I silently punished him by ignoring him and brooding in only the way a hormonal, over-tired, jealous woman can do. The poor guy had no idea what he did or why I had suddenly turned against him. I just couldn’t stand the idea that on the one day of the week when we have absolutely no commitments, he was committing to months of enjoyable time without us. I still haven’t completely gotten over that one, but I’m at least trying to accept it. I want to be happy for him – it will be great for him to fulfill this dream.
So, here I am, trying to figure out a way to get past this pity party I’ve been having for myself. Maybe it’s the baby blues or maybe it’s just the way my life is going to be for the next few years. I’m not trying to paint a doomsday scenario. There are plenty moments of laughter, fun and tender love like this and this sprinkled throughout my days. I know that I am blessed beyond belief and I love my girls more than life itself. I’m just trying to find a way to deal with these sometimes overwhelming feelings. The LAST thing I want to do is spend more time away from them – I already feel guilty enough about taking them to day care 3 days a week.
It’s a delicate balancing act – being a mom and also trying to being an independent woman with goals of my own. I know there will come a phase of my life when I can spend more time focusing on myself and my goals and at that point I will probably look back upon this time with fond memories and wish for these days again. The grass is always greener…in the meantime, life goes on.
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 3, 2007 | Uncategorized
Audrey got to put some on, too.
She pretended to take a shower.
I used the Baby Bjorn Carrier.
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 3, 2007 | Uncategorized
You’d never believe that Audrey is sick the way she’s been jumping around the house lately. She’ll jump off anything, whether it’s 1 foot off the ground or 4.
So far we’ve avoided any broken bones, but I’d put her bruised legs up against a 2-year-old boy’s any day. I took the girls to the mall this morning to let her play on the indoor playground and she kept up jump for jump with both the 2-year-old and 5-year-old boys that were there.
Side note: I was talking to the boys’ father and learned that he’d just returned from a year of service in Iraq. He has 5 kids and missed half of his 2-year-old’s life while he was there. I shook his hand and thanked him. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “my pleasure.” He, and all the men and women like him (including the spouses they leave behind), are heroes in my book.
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 3, 2007 | Uncategorized
The Baby Bjorn carrier is a lifesaver…
I can actually carry BOTH girls AND still have one hand free, which seriously prevents a meltdown several times a day.
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 3, 2007 | Uncategorized
Today was my first day back at work since Anna was born. I was dreading it, but it actually felt good to work that part of my brain, again. It’s hard to believe it’s been over 6 weeks. Time does fly. With Audrey I waited 3 months before going back to work because I had a cushy corporate job that paid me for that much time. This time around I didn’t have that luxury.
I knew that I wasn’t emotionally ready to leave Anna all day, so I decided to take her with me to work. That’s one of the benefits of working at a church! I remember all too well the emotional wreck I was the first day Audrey spent at Angie’s while I was at work. Angie came to the church to take Audrey and I cried the entire day, just sure that she wasn’t taking a bottle or not getting the attention she needed. I was wrong on both counts. Angie is a super mom not only to her 2 kids, but also to Audrey and I’m sure she will be to Anna, as well – I’m just not ready to let her go, quite yet!
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 1, 2007 | Parenting
Literally, the “bang” was my head beating against the wall. Audrey was in rare form today. I don’t know if it’s because she’s sick or whether she’s beginning a new “phase” (please, God, no), but it was almost more that we could take.
Audrey is typically a fairly well-behaved 2-year-old, but today she was a monster from mars as far as I’m concerned. EVERYTHING out of her mouth was either a command, a defiant no, or a scream. After 1 1/2 hours of trying to put her down for a nap, I was in tears. Justin had to leave the house just to regain his sanity. In her defense, it’s been a rough few days that began with a cough, developed into a fever and congestion and is currently being treated with breathing treatments through a nebulizer. I know I would be a grumpy old soul, too, feeling like that.
The problem with days like this is that you trick yourself into thinking that you can deal logically with a 2-year-old. Calmly explaining that trying to balance on a banister above the stairs is dangerous seems like the logical thing to say, but don’t you dare say not to do something, else it results in a battle that is doomed to end with a swat on the rear and a stern, “go to your room, now!” Unfortunately, I’ve come to the realization that spankings don’t work at this point, partly because both parties end up feeling rotten and partly because Audrey goes on a spanking spree herself. We’ve recently been trying the “go to your room until you calm down” approach, but that’s just an invitation to play with toys. I know the best approach is to ignore or change the focus, but really, when it’s been going on ALL DAY you’d have to be the most patient person in the world to pull that one off.
The lesson of the day for me came when Justin was holding Anna and I was finishing dinner. Audrey was standing in the middle of the living room and started to quietly cry. When we asked her what was wrong, she just sadly said, “Anna.” I guess it’s been harder on her than we thought to be a big sister. My heart just about broke when I realized that Audrey just needed some quality time with us that didn’t involve us saying the word “no” or competition with a cute little baby. I took her downstairs for some bonding time and the rest of the night was much more pleasant. I even managed to rock her and Anna at the same time for before-bed story time – a ritual that Audrey and I hadn’t been able to do for awhile since we moved the glider into Anna’s room and the rocker back into our bedroom.
It’s hard, this parenting thing. Just when you think you’ve got it all worked out, you realize you don’t know anything at all. What I do know for sure is that I couldn’t do it alone. Justin is the world’s best dad – there through the thick and thin. Although today, he did say, “are you sure you want to have more than 2 kids?” Only time will tell. We’ll just continue to take it one day at a time.
As for now, we finally have both girls in bed and are treating ourselves to a glass of wine. We probably won’t see midnight unless it’s because Anna has us up for a midnight feeding, but I’m looking forward to what the new year brings. I’m just hoping and praying it doesn’t bring too many more days like these! Happy New Year and God Bless!
by Laura Fleetwood | Jan 1, 2007 | Uncategorized
Well, it’s all worth it. Anna smiled at me yesterday. She’s been smiling in her sleep ever since birth, but this was a wide awake, looking in my, bona fide smile. Being a mom to two young girls is hard, but moments like that erase a hundred of the trying moments in the blink of an eye.
by Laura Fleetwood | Dec 30, 2006 | Uncategorized
Another Christmas has come and gone. This year we had so much fun telling Audrey about Santa Claus. In the days before Christmas she would remind us that we were going to set out milk and cookies for him and she was always be careful to add, “And I won’t even have to see him, though!” She loves the idea of Santa, but isn’t thrilled with seeing him in person. Our neighborhood had a Santa come to all of the houses one evening and Audrey freaked out when he rang our doorbell.
After that incident we didn’t push the whole sitting on Santa’s lap thing. We didn’t want to traumatize her for life!
The Saturday before Christmas, we made the trip down to “the country” to see Grandma and Paw Paw and Grandpa, Tammy & Nicole. Needless to say, the girls were spoiled rotten and received lots of fun gifts. It was wonderful to see so many people at Skip and Diane’s. The highlight of the day was Audrey riding the “pony,” otherwise known as Uncle Jimmy’s leg (video coming, soon). Anna, of course, was held to her little heart’s content as she got to meet many of her great aunties and her Great Grandma.
We celebrated Christmas Eve with Angie, Ted, Sam & Leah coming over for lunch and then Christmas Eve service at Messiah. It’s was a beautiful service and wonderful reminder of the miraculous birth we celebrate. Christmas Eve is my favorite worship service every year. It’s not just the familiar hymns or the magical candlelight. Rather, it’s the peace that overcomes me in knowing that the creator of the universe has a master plan that involves me having an eternal home. To look back through ages past and get a glimpse of a baby in a manger – the Savior of the world being born in a lowly barn. It’s an unfathomable, yet beautiful scene that we relive every year to remember that God is the one in control. We may not understand his ways, but we can count on his love.
Christmas day was fabulous beginning with Santa’s kind thank you note and continuing through a fun celebration at our home with Nana, Gramps, all the Aunties and Uncle Mitch. I’ve never seen so many presents or had so much food on my counter! It was scrumptious to say the least. Audrey’s very own digital camera was a hit, along with the puppet theater Nana made, and the pony that Audrey somehow named “doobie.” Where she got that, I do not know…should I be worried?!?
In the afterglow of such wonderful celebrations, I’m so very grateful for all my blessings. Christmas may only come once a year, but the “gifts” in my life last all year long.
by Laura Fleetwood | Dec 22, 2006 | Uncategorized
We’re excited that Anna is awake a little bit more, now. We try to do play time with her every day and, of course, Audrey is right there with her – showing her how everything works!
by Laura Fleetwood | Dec 22, 2006 | Uncategorized
Thanks to Justin’s team at work, we were able to buy this double stroller. It’s wonderful for taking the girls on walks. With the crazy warm weather we’ve been having, we’ve been able to enjoy it several times over the past 2 weeks.
Here’s a bird nest we found last week on one such walk. Notice the buds on the tree! The poor trees are so confused.
by Laura Fleetwood | Dec 20, 2006 | Uncategorized
During my late night feeding sessions with Anna, one of my favorite things to do is sing to her. Music has always been a huge part of my life and in the still, quiet of the night I have plenty of time to remember many long forgotten songs from my childhood. One such song is My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music. This song got me thinking about my favorite things about being a mom. Here’s are just a few off the top of my head. I’m going to make it a regular practice to add these as they come to me. It’s so easy to forget…
- The smell of “baby” – you know, a mixture of Dreft laundry detergent, baby lotion and spit-up!
- Hearing Audrey say, “Good Job, Mom!”
- Falling asleep with a baby on my chest and waking to the sound of her heart beating against mine.
- Rocking Audrey asleep and telling her “The Jesus Story,” which is what she calls praying to Jesus at bed time.
- Hearing Audrey ask, “How’s your day, Mom?”
- Falling deeper in love with Justin each day as I watch him love these two little girls.
- Swinging with Audrey and finding animals in the clouds.
- Feeling little arms around my neck or a tiny, little hand around my finger.
- Knowing that no matter what happens tomorrow, my life will forever live on in the lives of my girls.
by Laura Fleetwood | Dec 20, 2006 | Uncategorized
We’ve been on a spending spree lately that has my conscious gnawing at me. This is coming from someone who LOVES to shop. Shopping, unfortunately, is like therapy for me. It’s sad, but true. After leaving my corporate job to work part-time at our church two years ago, my “therapy” sessions have been seriously curtailed, but a new purse still has a way of temporarily beating the blues for me.
Lately, I’ve really been bothered my evident materialistic tendencies. I love things – new things, old things, expensive things. My overflowing closets and storage rooms contain the proof. I’m not a snob and I don’t think I’m consumed with materialism, but it’s definitely one of my vices. As I watch my two young girls growing each day, I’ve been pondering how I can help them avoid the trap of materialism and replace it with a love for inner beauty, nature & spiritual connectedness.
This issue has risen to the front of my conscious with all of the gift-giving that comes along with Christmas and a few big ticket items we recently purchased. I told myself that I wasn’t going to get the girls much this year because they’ve already received a bazillion gifts over the past month in honor of Anna’s birth and they don’t need anything. As usual, I went overboard anyway. I really appreciated today’s post from Dana on Mamalogues talking about this very issue. Her 3 gift idea is a great one. It’s just so hard because I want to give them the world…I guess it’s just a matter of which world I want to give them.
In the midst of the highest spending time of the year, we decided to make 2 huge purchases that are still making butterflies in my stomach. When it comes to big purchases, I’m always rather squeamish. Even after making the decisions and knowing we can afford it, I always feel like it’s a mistake. After all, we didn’t NEED these things, we just WANTED them.
We splurged on a fancy schmancy media laptop that is primarily for me. It’s loaded with all the bells and whistles and I LOVE IT, but I didn’t NEED it. Then, last weekend we went out and officially joined the minivan club. We traded in our Blazer. I’m loving the new van, but feeling sick that we’ve added car payments back into our budget. Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a cave than have to constantly battle the ying and yang of spending versus saving and giving. It’s true that the more you have, the more you want. It’s a vicious cycle.
In this season of Christmas, where we celebrate the true meaning of grace that began with a tiny baby being born in a lowly stable, I’m humbly reminded that while I’m blessed to be able to buy all of these things, I need to be ever-watchful that they don’t distract me from what really matters. After all, we can’t take them with us when we go. One of my new year resolutions is to put my focus on people instead of things and tasks – to fill myself up with relationships instead of purchases. Hopefully, I’ll teach my girls along the way that even without the the material comforts of this life, we are blessed beyond belief with a loving, forgiving God; wonderful family and friends; and an opportunity every day to do something that makes a positive difference in someone’s life. That’s better than a new pair of shoes any day!
